Finding Worship in Korea

Apr 17

"I want to be liberated. I don't know where I'm trapped, but I feel trapped. There's nothing in my life that relaxes me. I feel cramped and stifled. I want to break free."
- My Liberation Notes (2022)

Before the trip I felt as if I were being suffocated by nightmares of my own creation. I had been making decisions guided by fear. Succumbing to anger and resentment, I had made up stories that painted evil monsters of imperfect people. I could not recognize the boundaries between the trauma of my loved ones, and my own. I felt disconnected from my strength. I was unable to give grace and I was ready to flee. In fact, I was planning on it.

Mindy, my Godmama, says that resentment is a poison that we (ourselves) drink, wishing that the other person dies. “Let it go”, she says.

In Korea, we learned about worship by watching the K-drama My Liberation Notes, a 16 episode series about a group of people seeking liberation from despair. Unlike American television, there is no grand magical change, and no clear happy ending. Instead, we watched (somewhat excruciatingly) as this cast of characters made small changes to get closer to a sense of inner freedom and purpose. We watched them slowly learn how to cope, and even more slowly, how to support each other.

Korea is a place that I have dreamed of visiting since I was 15 years old, and for two weeks it was our house, 우리 집. There, with the loving guidance of my Godmama, I learned the importance of worshiping people. Google defines worship (n.) as the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity… but if you scroll down to the “archaic” definition, you’ll find this: honor given to someone in recognition of their merit. I think combining these two definitions brings us closer to Mi-jeong’s use of the word throughout My Liberation Notes.

In episode 2 of the series, Mi-jeong demands that Gu, a mysterious alcoholic who works for her father, worship her and make her whole. “Love isn’t enough,” she says, “worship me.”

Gu, stunned, as one is at such a demand, also googles the word. He blankly stares at the screen showing the synonyms respect and reverence. Later he asks Mi-jeong directly “how do you worship someone?” to which she responds,

“You cheer them on. You tell them that they can do anything, and that everything is possible.”

Reflecting on this, I realize that the greatest part of my trip was not the food, the palaces, the countryside visit, or the incredible alleyways of Itaewon, Seoul. Instead, it was the gift of worship that my Godmama and I shared. I am so grateful that we did. We cheered each other on, we reminded each other that we can do anything, and I’d dare to say that we do believe everything is possible.

In addition to spending these important and life-changing moments with my Godmama, I got to reunite with two lifelong friends. Yong Sung, a former Jersey City cafe (co-worker turned buddy), who had returned to live in Seoul shortly after the 2020 lockdown, and Jihun, my high school crush, who I had not seen in 9 years! Yong Sung introduced me to his wife and baby. We ate jajangmyeon, and tteok-bokki, and homemade dumplings by his mom. I fell asleep at his mom’s house for 2.5 hours in the middle of the day after eating so much food!! I was so embarrassed, but he and his family were very understanding. They even managed to get me up and out of the house to walk along the Han River that evening. The following day we went to Insadong to shop, eat yummy food, and see his mom’s artwork displayed at a Gallery nearby. We had a wonderful time.

Seeing Jihun was also wonderful, and I learned a lot from it. I believed that he had rejected my affections in high school. I had confessed to him by saying “You’re handsome, so I like you” … in Korean… and he laughed at me. I took this to mean that he was not interested. In less than a week I started dating someone else. Had I not reacted to my (false) rejection story, we could have gone to his senior prom together. He informed me during this visit, that he had planned on asking. If I had been more patient, I could have discovered that he liked me too. He was just laughing at my pronunciation! Despite the prom debacle of 2008, we’ve become lifelong friends who can meet every 5-9 years to have soju and chicken gizzards in a pojangmacha. Hopefully it won’t actually be another 9 years before the next visit.

Both Yong sung and Jihun know that visiting Korea has been a dream of mine, and both had promised to see me whenever I finally did make it there. Both kept their promises, and I absolutely worship them!

This worship is a gift that we can give anywhere, and as I return home to our house (우리 집) ... AKA New Jersey, I am determined to be guided by it.